October 20, 2020

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Cabinet Decides Masks, Distancing Only Apply To ‘Little People’ (PreOccupied Territory)


Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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COVID maskJerusalem, September 24 – Months of tension and recriminations over persistent accusations that prominent political figures flout the measures that the Ministry of Health has mandated to curtail the spread of COVID-19 have led to an official resolution today, in which the government formalized the distinction between hoi polloi and policymakers: the former must adhere to all restrictions, whereas the latter may dispense with measures that only the unworthy masses must maintain.

The cabinet voted unanimously Thursday morning to draw formal social and legal lines between the political aristocracy and the plebeians, in a move aimed at silencing months of criticism concerning senior political figures seen socializing, meeting, and conducting business without social distancing and without masks, even as police and Ministry of Health personnel imposed fines on citizens failing to adhere to the same public health guidelines.

“Officials at the level of government minister or deputy minister, Member of Knesset, ministry director-general, police commissioner, senior military officers, and direct family relation to any of the above are exempt from Ministry of Health distancing measures,” the cabinet’s post-meeting statement read. “We have decided unanimously that we as public officials cannot perform our official duties of exploiting our positions for special treatment and personal gain if we face the restrictions that the Ministry of Health has imposed on the unwashed masses, and have therefore enshrined that exemption into official policy.”

Cabinet members expressed hope that the formalization of the different statuses will settle the issue once and for all. “It’s really ridiculous that it had to come to this,” lamented Alternate Prime Minister Benny Gantz. “In our society, everyone should have grasped long ago that there is a special elite to whom the rules do not apply. It’s actually a little shameful to me that we had to make this explicit after all this time.”

Opposition figures voiced cautious praise for the move. “My main criticism is this should have happened way back in March, so we could spare ourselves a lot of useless rhetoric in the meantime,” stated Opposition leader Yair Lapid. “But at least now we can get back to the main reason we’re all here instead of fielding complaints from every little serf out there who saw Joe MK at a wedding without a mask and wants to know why he gets fined if he does the same thing. Well, it’s because you’re a nobody, that’s why. Let’s move on, please.”

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