Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
Check out their Facebook page.
Rio de Janeiro, August 3 – This year’s Olympic Summer Games, scheduled to open on August 5, have seen a level of controversy and mismanagement unmatched in all prior Olympiads, leading observers to conclude that only the Israeli secret intelligence service could have coordinated such a confluence of misfortune.
Pollution, corruption, political instability, violent crime, infrastructure problems, doping scandals, and other troubles have plagued Rio de Janeiro’s bid for the 2015 Summer Olympic Games since even before the International Olympic Committee named the city as the venue for the event, but experts believe that mere South American incompetence does not sufficiently explain the extent to which the Rio games have become a quagmire of ineptitude and poor execution. Instead, or in addition, a number of commentators point to the Mossad as the only factor capable of surreptitiously engineering such a mess.
“I’ll be the first to agree that anyone who comes from south of the Rio Grande isn’t capable of managing things,” explained Dr. David Duke, an expert on security and ethnic relations. “But dog carcasses and old tires littering the ocean near Rio, threatening the proper conduct of surfing and sailing events and endangering the health of the participating athletes? That takes things far beyond the familiar notions of Latin American clumsiness and laziness and into the realm of malice aforethought. And I think we all know who stands to gain from disaster on an international scale.”
“Just look at what happened the last time there was such a problem at the games,” concurred Jibril Rajoub, a Palestinian Olympic official, referring to the 1972 Munich Olympics, at which terrorists tortured and murdered 11 Israeli athletes. “They just…wait, I didn’t mean to say that. It defeats my whole argument. Please strike that from the record.”
Rajoub pointed to the fact that Israeli firms won various contracts to provide security for the Rio Olympics. “They’re in a position to favor their own athletes and embarrass everyone else, especially the countries they don’t like,” he warned. “Put it all together: Zika, slums, the flow of untreated sewage, crumbling infrastructure, crime – if you turn your head just right and squint as I instruct you, it spells out ‘Mossad’ clear as day.”
He also claimed that Israel was behind the disqualification of Russian athletes for steroid use. “It would be just like the Zionists to insist that, technically, the use of performance-enhancing drugs is banned by the IOC,” lamented Rajoub. “They insist on playing by some stodgy rule book, when everyone knows international organizations are only meant to be hijacked to bludgeon political and diplomatic opponents.”
We have lots of ideas, but we need more resources to be even more effective. Please donate today to help get the message out and to help defend Israel.