July 15, 2020

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Superman Fights To Defend Truth, Justice, American Way, Let Holocaust Happen (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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Superman logoMetropolis, July 11 – The world’s greatest superhero granted an exclusive interview yesterday to PreOccupied Territory, in which he detailed his approach to pursuing truth, fighting crime, promoting individualism and democracy, and doing next to nothing while the Nazis systematically slaughtered the Jews of Europe and other minorities.

Superman, who burst onto the international scene in 1938, invited a reporter to his Fortress of Solitude in the Arctic ice Tuesday, where he reminisced and explained how he prioritizes crises to address. During the two-hour series of discussions, the Last Son of Krypton explored the minutiae of his exploits, in the main analyzing how he effectively ignored the industrialized killing of history’s most-persecuted group yet still emerged from the 1940’s with a reputation for defending the defenseless and serving justice to oppressors.

“No one really thinks anymore that the Holocaust was unknown to Americans while it was happening,” acknowledged Superman. “For a couple of decades after World War II that served as a plausible enough excuse that no one really asked me what could be more important than preventing the systematic murder of six million Jews. But subsequent research – and a good number of contemporaneous sources – indicate that knowledge of the atrocities wasn’t so hard to come by even across the ocean from where they were happening.”

“What it amounts to,” continued the Man of Steel, “is that ignoring Jewish suffering is actually an essential part of ‘the American Way,’ as demonstrated by immigration policy at the time, and no effort on the part of the Allies to disrupt the killing. In retrospect, and I’m glad for this opportunity to clarify things, that means ‘Truth, Justice, and the American Way’ are not three equally important values, but that the first two are subservient to the third. If promoting truth or justice in a certain case would deviate from the American Way, in this case shutting our doors to people desperate to escape the Nazi persecution and killing machine, lest domestic antisemites get upset and make political trouble, then truth and justice must take a back seat to that.”

For similar reasons, the Son of Tomorrow explained, he has taken no measures to stop North Korea or Iran from developing nuclear weapons, and stayed home on September 11, 2001. “My whole ethos is one of an immigrant who becomes the embodiment of the American Way,” he noted. “My Jewish creators made me the assimilated ideal. There’s no way I can betray that by doing anything that might indicate I harbor special sympathy for Jews, as that would go against my assimilation axiom.”

“Barack Obama is no longer in office so I no longer have the excuse of not undermining government policy in terms of Iran,” he concluded. “But I’m a lifelong Democrat, and unlike some of my hypocritical political colleagues, I did move north when Trump was elected.”

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