March 26, 2019

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Report: Furbies, Bell-Bottoms Now More Relevant Than Palestinians (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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bell bottomsVienna, November 7 – A new assessment of emerging global trends has found that the Palestinian national cause now ranks as less pertinent and important than fads that faded years ago, in some cases decades ago, scientists report.

Researchers at the Academy of Sciences have determined that the once-universal Arab quest to destroy the Jewish State under the pretext of defending Palestinians from Jewish aggression issued their annual assessment of how important given issues are to international stability, both objectively and in popular conception. This year’s numbers indicate a continuing shift, they wrote, of the Palestinians’ standing in comparison to various ideas or objects whose time came and went long ago. According to their study, Palestinian relevance now ranks as less relevant than forgettable 1980’s sitcoms, but on par with such notions as trousers that spread as they approach the hem and stuffed animal toys that resemble a magwai from Gremlins, but without the charm.

The researchers noted that the shift in Palestinian relevance continues a pattern that began in the 1970’s but proceeded at a comparative snail’s pace until the first decade of the twenty-first century, when larger swaths of humanity realized the Palestinian cause constituted more of a distraction than an actual core issue of concern to the Middle East and the world. Whereas in 1973 Palestinian ambitions and demands ranked alongside disco music in the top issues plaguing human civilization, in 2018 Palestinian ambitions and demands rank alongside disco music in the issues plaguing human civilization.

Lead researcher Dr. Pearl Clutching explained that the trend reflects a “correction” of a distorted picture that resulted from misplaced political and media focus. “Some of it can also be attributed to fatigue,” she acknowledged, “but primarily, we keep finding that entire societies are simply waking up to the reality that no one really gives a damn about Palestinians as such, and all the attention they have received to date was simply a function of their being a convenient to bash Israel, to distract from other issues, or some combination of the two. Already in 2001, Rainbow Brite and Pet Rocks were viewed as more pertinent to world affairs.”

“The gradual correction we’re seeing will probably continue for some time,” she predicted. “Progress hasn’t been consistent, but with the trend of Palestinian relevance maintaining its general course, in the next five years we will probably see it surpassed in relevance by the short-lived Body Buddies breakfast cereal from General Mills and the film career of O. J. Simpson.”

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