December 15, 2018

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Meshichist Lubavitchers Aghast At People Who Insist Two-State Solution Not Dead
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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Credit: Mordechai Baron
Credit: Mordechai Baron
Crown Heights, January 10 – Adherents of the belief that the late Rebbe of the Lubavitch Hasidic movement did not, in fact, die in 1994, expressed shock today that anyone could think the Two-State Solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has any life in it.

Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, the seventh leader of the Lubavitch dynasty, is interred at Montefiore Cemetery in the New York City Borough of Queens. A small but vocal segment of the Chabad movement, the Lubavitch organization that spreads the teachings of the dynasty’s founder and his successors, insists that Rabbi Schneerson is not truly dead, and will reappear to claim his rightful status as Messiah when the time comes. To support their contentions they cite unconventional, controversial interpretations of classical Jewish teachings that run counter to authoritative teachings, and they disregard evidence to the contrary, but find the notion that the Two-State Solution remains in any way viable an absurd notion.

“Goodness gracious, it would take a credulous, willfully blind imbecile to believe that nonsense has anything to recommend it,” remarked Rabbi Yechi Admor as he hoisted a “Messiah” flag out his Eastern Parkway apartment window. “People still hold by that codswallop? I’m stunned. Anyone with half a brain should be able to make an honest assessment of the situation and conclude there’s no chance of ‘Israel and Palestine dwelling side by side in peace and security,’ as the plan’s proponents never tire of declaiming.”

“They must take everyone for fools,” added Shaya Green, a Messianist Lubavitcher who lives in Tzfat. “Nobody in his right mind could think the Palestinians are interested in a negotiated peace, and even if they were, that the faction nominally holding the leadership has the power, resources, or will to make good on any such commitment. You have to be out of touch with reality to fall for that one,” continued the father of nine. “I catch plenty of flak from my fellow Jews, even fellow Chabad people, for believing in, shall we call it, an unconventional and unlikely set of notions about the Rebbe and his position as Moshiach, but compared to the evidence for a workable Two-State Solution, the idea that the Rebbe is Moshiach is a slam dunk.”

Wednesday afternoon, reports emerged that former US Secretary of State John Kerry had convened a meeting with several Messianic Chabad Rabbis to discuss potential collaboration on putting forth delusional, starry-eyed, potentially disastrous proposals for Israel.

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