May 19, 2019

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2-State Solution Has So Little Traction, Now Being Used As Lubricant (PreOccupied Territory)
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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oil canTel Aviv, March 13 – A conceptual framework for the resolution of the century-old conflict between Jews and Arabs over sovereignty in the Holy Land once commanded majority support among Israelis, but developments of the last fifteen years have seen that support slip to such a degree that its slipperiness has led engineers to repurpose the framework as a substance that reduces harmful friction between two abutting objects.

In the mid-1990’s the Two-State Solution concept gained serious traction among the Israeli public, with a consistent majority favoring it as a permanent settlement of the territorial, religious, and political conflict with the Palestinian Arabs. Significant support persisted even through the Second Intifada in the first half of the previous decade that claimed the lives of more than a thousand Israelis, albeit at a diminished level. Continued conflict, however, coupled with increasing Palestinian intransigence and refusal to conduct good-faith negotiations in the intervening years, drove Israeli acceptance of the two-state paradigm to a level so low that mainstream Israeli political parties and politicians who endorse it outright thereby doom themselves to electoral irrelevance. Scientists and engineers from the research and development divisions of several innovative chemical companies have now found a way to harness the Two-State Solution’s repellent ability as a cost-effective lubricant for industrial, commercial, and household use.

“It’s uncanny,” remarked William Delta, 40, of Haifa Chemicals Research Division. “When 2SS first came out, everyone expected a much greater degree of adherence. And at first, that’s exactly what we all observed. Evidently the properties of the substance change over time, such that now, it has a repellent effect that has myriad uses. It’s twice as effective as standard motor oil, for instance, and since it was produced in huge quantities back in the 1990’s and stored away for whenever it might become relevant – which turned out to be never – supply is plentiful and costs should remain low.”

Un Gyuen of Ho Chi Minh University noted that preliminary test indicate the Two-State Solution retains its tractionless properties in environments outside the Middle East. “Our lab experimentation looked at applying 2SS to India-Pakistan friction and found similar results to Israel-Palestine,” he attested. “What we still have to figure out is whether the lack of traction is a permanent characteristic of the Two-State Solution or whether it might revert to its previous form. The answer to that question will determine under what circumstances 2SS can be used safely.”

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